Crossing the Chasm: My Lean in Story!

"Crossing the Chasm", oil on canvas, 18" x 24" ©2013 C.Proppé

April 13, 2013

Life is moving along and the presence of motivation with execution of my desires is HIGH.  Motivation to visit San Francisco and explore new places, motivation to revisit old friends and a gather them with new ones, motivation to find new, meaningful work and help others, motivation to provide the best life for my sons, and motivation to add true meaning to my paintings (rather than just recreate a moment in time plein air work).  I am a logotherapist's dream.  Go, girl!

So, I share with you the latest painting (above) that will be present at the Marin Open Studios 2013 opening Gala on April 27, 2013, from 5-8pm.  This painting is something a bit new for me, but I am embracing the challenge.  I have hit a turning point in my life, where I will soon be "leaning in" and raising my sons as a single mom(which is going to be a great thing, after too many years of waffling with the decision).  I have also recently separated from a job where I really enjoyed the work.  So much change at once is really exciting, and has lead me to come up with new ideas for my art.  I have always wanted to create art that provides a vision or a statement, not just a representation of a moment in time.  The problem for me is that when I have done this in the past, I have never liked the results.  At Colby, I recall painting a still-life that was supposed to be all about the life of Sylvia Plath.  I remember painting open medication bottles, a Bell Jar, and an open oven door, all in a kitchen setting... it was awful.  I don't know what happened to that painting, but someone might have liked it.  My attempts in undergraduate and graduate art programs to illustrate things that I was not drawing from directly were weak, in my opinion, and I believe this has kept me working as a plein air artist and one who copied from nature or photos in the studio.  This painting (above) is a comment on my place in the world, and a new method of painting for me.

I have had a photograph of a cyclist crossing the bridge for months now, but I have been frustrated with my painting because I want to reach a point where I don't paint every single detail I see before me, and I focus on something I really want the painting to be about.  "Crossing the Chasm" finally hits the mark for me, because the photo had so much more detail that I really liked, but it is not what I wanted to convey... so I left out the extra details, such as the lights on the bridge and the 45 mile per hour speed limit sign (I may eventually paint another one with these details, but I am happy with the results of this simpler version).  The title comes from a book written in 1991 about marketing high tech to the mainstream market.  I have been reinventing myself and taking training classes to improve my own design skills this month, and this marketing title intrigued me.  I was also brought to the attention of an amazing book by a local educator, Charles Sheppard.  "Save Your Drama for Your Mama" will assist businesses and individuals to learn leadership skills.  The combination of learning so much about marketing, reading Sheppard's new book, revisiting Victor Frankl's classic, and being in the current place and time in my life to receive all this input, have launched me in a new direction with my painting and life.  I painted the road green in order to speak to "green technologies" and green paths of transportation(such as cycling).  I also added the long hair to the cyclist and tried to make it look like a female cyclist, when the image I was using was actually male.  I am working on change and leading myself to greener pastures.

I love learning and growing... and here I go!  Lean in!  (check out Leanin.org for great, inspiring stories by women that have been appearing online along with the launch of the new book).

Update: May 19, 2015
It's amazing to look back on this post and see how differently my life has moved in two years. I pursued my interest in packaging design and have really enjoyed the work. Meanwhile, I have painted less, and been okay with it. I feel like I am in a great place of gathering inspiration and will be happy to integrate my fine art into the equation when I am ready. As you can see from the link on the left, I actually did go back and update the painting with the details. I added the 45 on the Bridge, the lights and the tiny circles from the bolts all along the base. I still own this painting and it is significant to me because I painted it when I was 45 years old and was seeking to separate myself from my sons' father.  Although I have not been able to do so financially just yet due to the housing costs in Marin, I have been able to successfully co-parent with my sons' father for 2 years now.  We share a house, and share our children, but we do not do things together as a family.  It is still hard, but it is better for the kids because the time they have with one parent is more peaceful, with no arguing or frustrations.  They have one person to guide them, and not conflicting messages.  This works for us.  Whatever you need to do to parent children is important, and I believe we have improved things immensely for our kids by finding a way to co-parent.  I still miss having someone to really love, but I love myself more.  I have the best dog in the world, and I love my kids and my friends.  I feel better than I have in the past because I am not angry at my sons' father for not being able to be someone he is not.  I don't see him as "my partner" or "my spouse", but simply, "the father of my sons" who is trying to do his best for them in his own way.  There will be a time when I can move on and find a better match for myself, but for now, co-parenting has been really a blessing.  Learning to work with people you don't always like or relate to is a very important lesson in life.  We have to do it at work, and in business, so if I can do it at home it will only make me a better businesswoman and life partner for someone else someday.  Life goes on.  We keep the wheels rolling!

In the Studio Today...Quick iPad Sketch of Mt. Tam

Wednesday, Nov 11, 2010

Quick painting on the iPad today...

It's hard to believe that I have been unable to drive for an entire month, since my last post. It has been REALLY hard, and I've had to go through this kind of disability three times now in the last 2 years...(initial injury, ACL surgery, now meniscus surgery) but it never gets easier, really. There is something about not being able to leave your house, go for a hike, see the beauty of Marin that will drive you nuts if you are stuck with out this joy. Today, I managed to steal 20 minutes to drive my dog to Sorich Park. I sat at the picnic table there, after limping to the table from my car, and I couldn't believe how nice it was to see Mt. Tam once again, from a point I was able to get myself to, by myself. Freedom! Pheew... that was hard. Now, learning to bend my knee again, and not look like an idiot; that's step two. Physical therapy starts Friday. Here is the little quick stetch I did today on my iPad, from the table, while my dog looked longingly at me, happy to be out, but wondering, "Why aren't we going on our regular hike, Mom?" Poor dog. She is so loyal. I hope she was just happy to get out with me again.

In the Studio Today... Art Couples and the Art of Life; Embracing the Past, the Present, and Hoping for Pleasant Surprises in the Future

Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I've been thinking a lot about artists who are couples, and what that was like for me at one time in my life. My previous post on Martha and Ralph Borge, the couple that painted in West Marin for MALT,and would have celebrated their 60th Anniversary this year...
I am also reminded of René and Georgette Magritte, made more famous in the lyrics of a Paul Simon song. They too enjoyed a happy and long, healthy marriage while being constantly involved in successes in the new and exciting surrealist art world.Photo: René and Georgette Magritte with their dog Loulou at Brussels airport before leaving with Sabena for New York. (http://www.musee-magritte-museum.be)

I was once married to an artist and musician, and being with him for a decade in my adult life truly affected the way I have learned to love art and view the world. It was a relationship that felt right to me. Artist's have a way of being able to discuss the world in a way that others do not have. We draw on a palette of colors, textures, senses and musical chords that some, I believe, truly can not see or feel; or, sadly... they never had the luxury of learning this language, like any other language that must be learned from youth. I was so lucky to have parents that fostered my art from a young age. I want to thank them both at this time, and tell them how much I love them. They still house dozens of my paintings in their home, and share my art with their friends, as if each painting I produce for them is a gift from the gods. They have never made me feel my art was anything but special.

In my recent reflection on my past and memories of my former husband, I have revisited my post I wrote years ago on "Motivation; Advice for Artists", to address how the loss of an artist spouse can affect an artist, and how I have found ways to work on my grieving and continue in life. It is no easy task. I think that "art couples" bond in ways that are truly unique, and my hypothesis is that these couples have a harder time with separation and divorce due to the very nature of their shared language of art. It is my hope to feel better about this loss someday, and explain it to my children. I hope others may understand as well, and may learn from my shared experiences. To read the revised post, click here.

Some successful, Marin County "Artist Couples":
• Kathleen Lipinski and Steve Emery
• Richard Blair and Kathleen Goodwin
• Linda Larsen and Larry Bryson
• Judith Selby Lang and Richard Lang
• Martha and Ralph Borge

In the Studio Today... On Motivation

My biggest heroes are not necessarily artists, but people that have found motivation and inspiration in spite of enormous obstacles or loss. Christopher Reeve, Hellen Keller... Read "Psychology in Context, Voices and Perspectives" ISBN 0-395-95962-4. One of the best books of the many I read in the RN program at College of Marin.

I was always drawing from a young age, attended art schools, and worked as a computer artist... but I never really felt the "need" to paint full-time until my late 30's. I am a survivor of divorce, having lost my best friend and creative soul mate in life after 10 years. I still have not recovered from this loss, almost nine years later, and at this point in time, I truly believe there is a part of me that never will heal. My friends are still perplexed as to why I can't seem to rid my mind of this person after so long, after I have gained so much in my own life; a family, children, a successful art career. My goal is to overcome this loss with the grace and dignity of my heroes, but to truly overcome loss, we must express ourselves and share what we learn. Bottling pain and grief up inside is not a way to get over loss, but when no one wants to hear you anymore, you can turn to art or other ways of communication that are interpretive and not as direct. Recently, the BA Photographers Collective, Berkeley, had a show exploring differenct aspects of loss.As an emotional, visual artist, I believe it is hard for me to forget past moments of happiness because I recall them with perfect recollection of color, texture, scents and sound. I will never be able to let go of so many incredible memories, and it is painfully hard to give those up to someone else. Having said all this, I do believe "being emotional" and feeling so deeply is often why artists are so creative and can express so much in their work. I may have a gift, but it comes with a great deal of baggage I must carry around. Having lost so much I had built up and nourished in my past, I still fight the urge to give in to self-pity and express my anger... I fight the urge to mourn my past. Art helps me to move forward, and create rather than destroy and hurt myself and others; but art doesn't mask the pain I still feel almost daily from having lost my best friend.

My advice to others who ever have to face divorce is to wait longer. Go away somewhere for a year. Be still. Don't argue. Don't listen to therapists. Find another space to be still and wait. Listen to your heart. I know this is practically impossible when faced with problems in a relationship, anger and pain. We all tend to explode and hurt, rather than retreat and be quiet with our pain. Yet, after my divorce, I have never loved another in the same capacity. I keep the name Proppé because that was my friend's name, and although he is no longer with me, I have so much of his spirit in me, and so many memories of peace and kindness, beauty and truth that were given from this one soul. I became "Proppé" too, over so many years, and some friends even call me "Proppé" instead of Colleen. Of course there's also the fact that Proppé looks good on an oil painting! : )Cartoon by Goopymart
In the year 2000, after my husband left, I fell into severe depression, eventually learning that I was hypothyroid. Click the link to read about this devastating illness. To really understand it, I would have to say I hurt my friend by being out of control of my own behavior, and neither one of us understood why I was behaving the way I was (I so deeply loved him and never meant to hurt him). My diagonosis explained for me so many things that were really destructive in my relationship; my sleepless nights of keeping my friend awake with chatter, my almost manic behavior at times, my crying too much and for too long... I learned that this illness can truly sneak up on you and destroy your relationships and change your life forever before you even know you have anything wrong with you. With medical treatment, my whole life improved beyond my wildest dreams, and I no longer exhibit any of the symptoms I had for many years before treatment. Yet, it was too late to bring back my best friend, who to this day, I feel was scared of what he did not understand was happening to me, and I do not blame him for leaving. In hindsight, had this tragedy not happened to me, I wouldn't see all people the way I do now, and I probably wouldn't have directed my full energy into my own art.

I know divorce. I know depression. I know mental illness, and recovery. I know being single and pregnant, and fired for becoming pregnant. I know having to look for a job while pregnant. I know being invoved in a 3 year lawsuit, and winning a year's salary. I know housing discrimination in Marin while being single and pregnant. I know being rescued even when you don't want to have to be rescued. I know nursing school, and hospitals. I know twin boys and many other children with special needs. I know many, many divorced and single parents, struggling to do their best every single day. I know hundreds of artists and organic farmers, who all give me hope to keep creating and growing. I know Marin intimately, in a purely visual way that feels like true love. I know being far away from my family when I could use their help and love; I know that being away from them and growing on my own is best too. I know having to let go of two tremendous animal friends during my adult life, my running partners, my dear dogs, alone. I know raising children with a friend that is not your soul mate, but who you need and rely on, none-the-less. I know loving my sons' father in a way that is about family and care in raising children; not in the way young love blossoms, but in the way love can mean stability and protection, and just being able to get up and put your pants on each morning, and get the job done. I am very strong because I have had to go through so much "alone", after losing my friend. Had I not lost my friend, I don't feel I would have learned all that I have, and I certainly wouldn't understand all the situations I do now.
I wouldn't be the spirited woman I am today. I wouldn't have these gorgeous twins that challenge me every single day. I am not afraid of much. I do think I've seen it all, but hope there are some more surprises for me in store along the way. I don't mind being "alone" in my mind. I miss having a soul mate that I spent so much time building my adult life with, but I truly see and care about all people now, and I believe in this art-to love all life; all hardships, all triumphs... I hope it comes through in my art and photography through the years, that I may express it all, whether good or bad, and share openly with others, with out fear. I've heard, "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted"... Well, I suppose I have reached 40 years with a hell of a lot of experience. : )

I started this "web log"(aka "blog") in January of 2007. It's been over two years now, and over 200 posts to my blog. I have helped other friends and art groups create their own art blogs, and watched each blossom and fill with enthusiasm for their own projects. In creating my own blog and teaching others, I have not just an artist's journal, but a way of life as a creative thinker, writer, teacher and friend. When I started my blog, I'd hoped it would be positive and healing, and what I found was that it was an artist's tool; a life tool. I still encourage anyone who really is serious about their art to find a way to make just one hour a day for it and use a blog to keep you moving forward. Don't get discouraged if you have to take a week off to be with your family, or do something else that is important, but remember to come back to your web log and art, especially when you really feel like you "need" the outlet of creation. I aspire to "make every obstacle an opportunity", and I feel I am able to move forward with my painting each day because it is a way to stay positive in life, which is always filled with extreme challenges. My challenges have been many, but my art has always helped me get through it all, day by day.

With much love for all the artists and musicians in the world,
and those who have not yet discovered the beauty of the art inside them...
Colleen Proppé- 2009